My Life...My Rules...

Dear you,

This has been one of the hardest and most heartbreaking things I have ever had to do. I remember the day I realized I was in love with you, I was 21 and it had been three months after we had began dating. I was driving in my car and lost in my own thoughts and I realized that without a doubt I was in love with you. I don’t know how exactly it happened but I know it did and I will always remember that day. 

Since then, we have been through so much laughter, tears, arguments and smiles. I would have done anything at that time to be your wife and the mother of your children. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Then you broke my heart. You broke up with me for a reason, although you gave me many and I was too stubborn to believe any of them. Although you may not realize it, after the first week of our break up, I set out on a plan. I fought for you, I wanted you to come back to me and you did. It’s been almost a year that we have been back together and things were great in the beginning. 

I felt my heart beat for you once more. I felt that passion in our love but I was too scared to worry about the future. I got you back, that was all I ever wanted. Just like the day I remember I fell in love with you. I will remember the day I realized I wasn’t in love. I had been struggling with my feelings since the lack of passion and intimacy in our relationship. I am in no way blaming you, I want to make that clear. But there was a lack of passion, I understand sometimes as a couple, you become too comfortable but there will always be an underlying feeling of passion for your partner, won’t there?

The day I realized I was no longer in love, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want it to be true. You were all I ever wanted. I cried and cried and cried. I realize, I had been pretending for a month that everything was ok, that this was in fact what I wanted, that not missing you was normal since we had been together for so long, that not giving you the extra key was me having cold feet. I don’t know how falling out of love happened. I did tell you, I felt disconnected from you and maybe you tried to rebuild that connection. I know I should have talked to you more about the way I was feeling but I was scared and in denial. 

I don’t want you out of my life. You have been the best-est friend I have ever had. We have grown so much together and I wish with all my heart that I could feel the way I did about you once more. I want it back. I want to be in love. I always thought I would marry you, that you would be the father of my kids and I want it to be you. But my feelings, my gut is telling me that there is something greater out there for the both of us.

Since ending it with you, I have missed you. I have cried. And I want nothing more than to call you up and tell you I’ve made a mistake, that we can work it out. But that is the irrational part of me, the part of me that realizes I’ve lost a friend, who wants nothing more than for there to be no change and ultimately is scared of the unknowing, scared of being alone. The rational side of me has to keep me in check. There was a reason I felt this way and a reason that I felt this was the right thing to do. I have to be alone right now, I have to figure out who I am, and love myself first. There is something greater out there for the both of us, isn’t there? Something tells me there is. Will we find our way back to each other again? I don’t know. Some part of me hopes we will and that that time it will be real. 

Maybe deep down, you feel the same way. Maybe you were just scared of being alone as well. You took it rather well and…you didn’t fight for me. I fought for you back…

Regardless, I will always always always be there for you. No matter what. You can still depend on me to be there. I will always love your family and most importantly, I will always love you. You have shown me what love feels like and what it’s like to be in love. I will always have a place for you in my heart. ALWAYS. 

That’s what makes this so heartbreaking…